Genesis (the band) - An Overview

This and other images linked from Wikipedia.

I. Intro

People who know me know, I love progressive rock. It started when I became a Rush fan in the late 90s, then found out about the greater genre of "prog rock." Genesis was one of the first bands I checked out along those lines. I was familiar with them from the radio, but wasn't really aware of anything "prog" they'd done. Over the next few years, I delved into their catalog, pretty deeply. Although I never quite reached the same levels of fandom as Rush, I ended up absorbing most of their back catalog, and way too much trivia.

Fast forward to 2020, when The Kids are continuing to re-discover all this music. I've been active on the Discord server of Prog Notes, a new-ish podcast where they discuss and review prog rock records of old and new. The demographic of that community skews pretty young (I'm one of the oldest regulars there), and a lot of them have only heard one or two Genesis records. I realized I was yet again typing out my thoughts on each of their couple-dozen records every time someone asked for a recommendation. I thought to myself, I should write all this out and post it on my blog. And here we are!

II. Overview

Genesis was a band from England, active from the late 60s into the late 90s, and again for a reunion in the late 2000s. Being together for that long, you can imagine they went through a number of stylistic changes, and they sure did. They achieved international stardom in the 80s with their brand of synth-driven power pop, but in the 70s, they were one of the leading figures in progressive rock. By the time the 90s rolled around, they had a difficult time reinventing themselves yet again, and more or less called it quits. But their legacy looms large over both pop music and progressive rock.

tl;dr - If you're interested in the "prog" side of Genesis, I recommend starting with Selling England by the Pound and Trick of the Tail or Wind and Wuthering. If you like it, check out the next and/or previous records, and repeat until you get to one you don't like.

If you're more interested in the "pop" side of Genesis, pick up a compilation album, e.g., Turn It on Again: The Hits (the second disc of the 2-CD version of  this one has some deeper cuts that can also serve as an introduction to Genesis's "prog years"). From there, check out more Genesis records featuring songs you liked (or see above for proggier stuff), and/or Phil Collins's and Peter Gabriel's solo work from the 80s.

III. Studio Albums

From Genesis to Revelation, 1969

Their debut album shows a group of youngsters trying to find their voice. At the time, their sound was steeped in acoustic hippie folk stuff. They added some orchestral arrangements, but the songs themselves were .. I dunno. Unremarkable.

My rating: For completionists only. 1/5

Trespass, 1970

Despite the first album not really going anywhere commercially, the band went pro, bought "real" instruments, and started gigging. They departed with their first manager/producer, and started finding their own sound. The resulting album is more identifiably Genesis, mixing pastoral acoustic bits with harder rock, driven by Anthony Phillips's distorted guitar and Tony Banks's Hammond organ. They ventured further into unusual lyrical territory with Peter Gabriel's burgeoning theatrical style. Songs were allowed to stretch out, no longer confined to narrow goals of being successful as singles.

My rating: Good stuff. 3/5

Nursery Cryme, 1971

Gigging proved to stressful for Phillips, and he ended up leaving. They cemented the guitarist and drummer positions with Steve Hackett and Phil Collins, respectively. Hackett brought in innovative playing and imaginative songwriting, and Collins brought a competent groove. As a band, they pushed their sound and creativity even further, with more theatrical story songs, elaborate and dynamic compositions, and more varied sounds.

My rating: Prog rock AF. 3.5/5

Foxtrot, 1972

The band were getting more confident in their abilities, and more comfortable with each other, and pursued their emerging prog-rock sound even further. From majestic Mellotron swells, to gentle acoustic bits, to widdly organ riffing, to literally apocalyptic musical climaxes, to extremely detailed and layered playing, this is peak Prog Rock. Peter Gabriel went all-in on the theatrics at this point, adding a new dimension to their live shows. The (mostly) side-long epic "Supper's Ready" is a bona-fide prog-rock classic.

My rating: PROG ROCK AF. 4/5

Selling England by the Pound, 1973

The band started seeing some commercial success, having broken through States-side, and kept pursuing their symphonic rock sound. Englishness permeates much of the record, in sound and in subject matter. Again, their sound varies from acoustic-driven passages, to jammy tradeoffs between Hackett's guitar and Banks's various keyboards, to theatrical silliness. "Firth of Fifth" features a classic Banks piano intro and a classic Hackett guitar solo.

My rating: Recommended. 4/5

The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway, 1974

Double albums were kind of a thing, and this is their big concept record. The concept isn't easily grokked at first (or twelfth) listen, but it's basically about a character named Rael and a surreal spiritual journey through various battles with himself and his base instincts. Musically, it's a little disjointed, with a lot of random interludes and tangents between the various scenes. I think a lot of the music and lyrics got written separately, and were coupled together later in the process of making the record. Some folks really like this record a lot, and others (like me), don't. A lot of the musical ideas just don't really connect with me, and the lyrics often don't pair well with the music. Some good moments of proggy symphonic rock, but (IMO) a bit too much filler.

My rating: A slog. 2.5/5

A Trick of the Tail, 1976

Gabriel left Genesis after the tensions of recording and touring The Lamb and his personal life became too much. The band soldiered on, writing new material. After failing to find a satisfactory new full-time singer, Collins was persuaded to lay down some vocals, and ... the rest is history.

Musically, there aren't any huge epic ideas, but they were still exploring a similar symphonic rock space, with plenty of complexity to nerd out about. Overally, the sound is similar to Selling England, but "bigger" overall, more lush and/or bombastic. Songs like "Entangled" and "Ripples..." show them still capable of gorgeous pastorality. A couple of the tracks don't do much for me, but the good stuff is good.

My rating: Recommended. 4/5

Wind & Wuthering, 1977

After Trick and the subsequent tour (with Bill Bruford filling in on drums) were well received, they kept on going--there were no brakes the Genesis train, though plenty of Banks, gahaha~. Though they continued in the symphonic rock direction as the previous record, the album is a bit more dynamic and varied, despite the monochromatic cover art. It has a very "romantic" and "English" feel to it. Despite Hackett's decreasing creative influence, it's one of my favorite Genesis records.

My rating: Recommended. 4/5

...And Then There Were Three..., 1978

Hackett left after the Wind & Wuthering tour to pursue a solo career (and greater creative freedom), and the other three guys weren't terribly heartbroken over it. Their first album as a three-piece shows them iterating on their bombastic symphonic rock sound. Mike Rutherford took over on guitar, handling rhythm duties admirably, but struggling playing convincing leads. They also intentionally kept arrangements simple, so as not to retread previous "epic" ground. The resulting album is .. fine. There are some good moments, and a lot of audible growing pains. Most notably, though, there's a bonafide Hit Single to close out the record, the gorgeously sweet "Follow You Follow Me."

My rating: A mixed bag. 2.5/5

Duke, 1980

The process of writing and recording material for Duke came easily, with the band members feeling refreshed from personal and creative rest. Ideas were freely shared and elaborated upon, and the result is a much more confident record. Rutherford found his voice as a lead guitarist, and Collins was finding his voice (literally and figuratively) as a lead singer. Banks continued to supply the bigger ideas and creative will to put it all together.

Musically, they continued to dial back some of the "progginess," phasing out the Mellotron and 12-string guitars. However, many of the songs still have that bombastic grandiosity they had mastered. In addition, they hadn't ruled out doing more conceptual stuff. On this record, six of the songs scattered throughout the album make up a "suite," dealing with fame and stardom and the trappings thereof. The last two tracks, "Duke's Travels" and "Duke's End" make up an aboslutely killer duology of bombastic symphonic rock, and might be my favorite Genesis material. Some of the material is kind of bland and unmemorable not unlike Three..., but the good parts show a band having success transitioning from a pretentious prog-rock band to a capable arena-rock band. More hit singles ("Turn It on Again," "Misunderstanding") certainly didn't hurt.

My rating: Another mixed bag, but better overall. 3.5/5

Abacab, 1981

The core three members of Genesis found a stable and productive core, and continued challenging themselves not to repeat their past. With this record, they made it even more of a point to avoid retreading old ground. As a result, Abacab leans more toward synth-driven pop-rock. They even brought in Earth, Wind, and Fire's horn section to add some funkiness to "No Reply at All" (and the B-side "Paperlate"). Again, the band refused to completely disavow their prog past, resulting in the lucid-dream-like "Me & Sarah Jane," the bombastically ambiguous "Dodo/Lurker" duology, and the extended indulgent instrumental outro on the title track.

A lot of fans of Genesis's proggier stuff, especially folks who grew up in the 70s, get off the bandwagon at this point. Me, I grew up in the 80s, and the synth-pop of Genesis is the sound of my childhood. I'm a fan.

Also, content warning for what might be Genesis's most hated song ever recorded, an incredibly goofy "Who Dunnit?" It started with Tony Banks messing with his new synth toy, grimacing at the awfulness of it, and the rest of band going all-in on it. It's really quite .. remarkable.

My rating: More pop than prog, but I like it. 4/5

Genesis, 1983

By now, the band had become very comfortable writing and collaborating as a three piece, and they continued pursuing their maturing synth-pop sound. By now, Collins had gotten a taste of solo success, but unlike Hackett, was still able to work compatibly with the other members of his "main" band. The overall sound is a bit darker than the previous two records, where even the more upbeat tracks have a sinister quality to them. The obligatory mini-epic comes in the form of the "Home by the Sea" duology, and features some great broody atmospheres between dark, but catchy synth-pop choruses and verses.

They continued to have commercial success, with multiple singles getting significant air play. Again, I grew up on this stuff, so I enjoy it. Unfortunately, the passage of time has not been kind to the well-intentioned, but stereotypical characterizations of Mexican immigration on "Illegal Alien." Either way, I recommend that anti-fans of the poppier side of Genesis steer clear.

My rating: Solid, moody dark-pop. 4/5

Invisible Touch, 1986

Listening to this back-to-back with something like Foxtrot or The Lamb might raise the question, is this even the same band anymore? Their synth-pop style had matured at exactly the right time for this to be a huge international success, resulting in a Side One of nothing but huge commercial hits, with the title track reaching actual #1 on the actual Billboard "Hot 100" chart.

A couple of deeper cuts, though, show the band still refusing to let go of their progressive past. "Domino" is creepy and apocalyptic, and "The Brazilian" is catchy and bombastic at the same time. Even "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight" has a nice atmospheric bridge with a huge build in the full album version.

I personally like the whole thing, though I acknowledge nostalgia and imprinting as significant factors. "Land of Confusion," though, in my opinion, is an objectively good rock song.

My rating: Pinnacle pop-Genesis. 4.5/5

We Can't Dance, 1991

The 80s closed out with Genesis having huge international success, as a band, and in Collins and Rutherford's case, also with solo/side projects. But as a band, they had a process that worked, and sessions 1991 produced more than enough material for a new album. They mixed things up on the production side with a new producer, but having mastered their particular brand of slightly off-beat dark-pop, the result isn't terribly dissimilar from the previous records. Some of the material is a little more sprawling, a little more atmospheric, but there's plenty of catchy radio fare as well. More commercial success resulted, with multiple singles getting significant airplay.

Personally, I feel like the overall quality isn't quite on par with the best of their 80s pop stuff. There are some great pop songs, and I even enjoy the campy "I Can't Dance" and the syrupy sweet ballad "Hold on My Heart." "Jesus He Knows Me" is a bouncy and biting satire of American televangelism, and "No Son of Mine" is effectively dark and creepy. The longer songs and the deep cuts, though, don't do as much for me. They're not bad, per se, just not quite as interesting as previous efforts.

My rating: More pop, but inconsistent. 3/5 (Yes, I like this record more than The Lamb.)

Calling All Stations, 1997

This time, it was Collins's turn to pour more of his creative self into solo efforts, leaving Banks and Rutherford to soldier on. They wrote some stuff, recruited a new singer, and released this record in 1997. Similar to Three..., this feels like a transitional album--a band feeling its way in search of a new sound. Personally, I like the sound they achieved, a dark atmospheric sound similar to the darker moments of their synth-pop days. Unfortunately, the songs themselves feel like they're missing something, and similar to the boring parts of We Can't Dance, just kinda wander aimlessly and unmemorably.

My rating: Unrealized promise. 2/5

Aftermath

Sadly, the album and subsequent tour were very unsuccessful. It did okay in Europe, but the entire American leg had to be cancelled due to lack of interest. Banks and Rutherford were apparently uninterested in scaling back to medium size, and let the band die silently and unceremoniously. I'd have been curious to hear what the band could have done to expand their smoky dark-pop sound from Calling All Stations, but given Banks and Rutherford's disappointment and resulting disinterest, it's probably for the best. I did come across a Youtube upload of an album's worth of B-sides from this period, and I do enjoy those quite a bit.

The band has reunited to varying degrees since then, but only as a touring entity. The other members have all remained active musically, releasing lots of music under various solo and side projects.

IV. Live Albums

Genesis Live, 1973

Kind of a stop-gap, commercially speaking, to capitalize on Genesis's growing popularity. The sound quality is a little rough, but it captures the band's live energy and immense sonic presence. From the creepy Mellotron beginnings of "Watcher of the Skies," to the huge walls of sound of "Return of the Giant Hogweed," to the pin-drop dynamics of "The Musical Box," this shows that the band could deliver the goods live. I like it a lot.

My rating: One of my favorites, even if it's "not for everyone." 4.5/5

Seconds Out, 1977

This one pulls mostly from the Wind & Wuthering tour, with one song from the Trick of the Tail tour. There's quite a bit of Gabriel-era Genesis showcased here, including all of side three devoted to "Supper's Ready." It shows that Collins was very much up to the task of taking on frontman duties, including Gabriel's vocal parts, though some of Gabriel's more idiosyncratic theatrical parts don't work quite as well. Though touring member Chester Thompson handles most of the drum duties, Collins adds some additional drums to the longer instrumental passages, which adds another level of bombast to pieces like "Los Endos" and "Cinema Show," the latter of which features the previous touring drummer, Bill Bruford (of Yes and King Crimson fame). Overall, this is a cleaner-sounding recording than Genesis Live, but to me, it sounds a bit more sterile too. This one's a favorite for a lot of fans, though.

My rating: Sides three and four are amazing. The rest, meh. 3.5/5

Three Sides Live, 1982

This one mostly covers the Abacab tour, but certain selections span all the way back to the Trick tour. It documents the peak of their bombastic symphonic rock period, as they were becoming a huge commercial success, and on the cusp of transitioning into a more full-time, radio-friendly synth-pop band. There are several recognizable radio hits, performed competently and engagingly, as well as lengthier incursions into their proggier recent past. The sound is clean, like Seconds Out, but with the band's confidence and energy intact. Touring guitarist/bassist Daryl Stuermer, a highly jazz and studio muscian, does a fantastic job filling out the sound, and permanent part-time touring drummer Chester Thompson keeps a solid groove going throughout.

The title refers to the original North American vinyl double-LP, where the fourth side consisted of B-sides and outtakes from Abacab and Duke. Other versions, including most CD reissues, replaces the studio tracks with a "fourth side live." There's a lot of good stuff, and captures a lot of what I love about this band. Probably my single favorite Genesis record. I even enjoy Phil's vocal .. thing .. on "Misunderstanding."

Side note: A few years ago, I stumbled on a fan-recreation called Three Sides Live Re-Sequenced, that expands this into somewhere around Seven Sides Live with additional high-quality bootleg-ish material from other early 80s concerts. Kinda really wish this could have been an official release, it's good stuff.

My rating: [CD reissue "fourth side live" version] A near-perfect record. 4.9/5

The Way We Walk, 1992

This was originally released as two separate albums, subtitled Volume One: The Shorts and Volume Two: The Longs. The reissue from the Live 1973-2007 box set resequences them as a single live double album, and I'm reviewing it as such. Either way, there's just not much to recommend about this. It's strange, I tend to like Genesis's live records overall more than their studio counterparts; e.g., Genesis Live and Three Sides Live are two of my favorite Genesis records, period. And I love 80s (and to a lesser extend, early 90s) pop-Genesis. But these records just feel bland to me. I think a big part of Genesis's engaging, arena-filling sound, Phil Collins's vocals, sound pretty weak compared to his performances from the 80s. Songs like "Land of Confusion" and "Invisible Touch" aren't nearly as catchy and engaging when the vocals sound tired. 

My rating: Meh. 2/5

Live Over Europe 2007

The band originally wanted to reunite to do The Lamb live, but when Gabriel wasn't able to commit, they decided to "Turn It on Again" with the 80s touring lineup of Banks/Collins/Rutherford/Thompson/Stuermer. Collins's voice and drumming chops were pretty out-of-shape, and they had a difficult time constructing a proper Genesis show. They made it work, but they had to tune down almost every song to accommodate Collins's decreasing ability to hit higher notes. As a result, this one sounds even more tired than The Way We Walk. I've tried to revisit it a couple of times over the years, but ... I just can't. It's like watching a tired old dog that can barely walk .. but, more pathetic than endearing.

My rating: I don't even own this record. 1/5

V. Odds and Ends

Genesis has a lot of officially released non-album material, including demos, EPs, B-sides, outtakes, live tracks, remixes, etc. To try to catalog everything is a huge task for someone other than me. I like Genesis, but I'm nowhere near a completionist. I'll list some highlights below.

Singles, EPs, B-sides

We're getting into completionist territory here. There's a smattering of officially-released studio material that didn't make it onto proper albums. Some of these became their own standalone singles, like "Happy the Man," and "Paperlate," some of them were collected into standalone EPs, like Spot the Pigeon and 3x3 (the latter of which was released in North America as the "fourth side" of Three Sides Live). Many non-album studio tracks were released as B-sides to singles.

Several of these aren't necessarily bad songs, but didn't necessarily fit on the albums they were originally recorded for. "Do the Neurotic," a sweet instrumental, and "Feeding the Fire," a bombastic prog-pop tune, were recorded during the Invisible Touch sessions, but it's not clear which songs these would replace on the album proper. If Invisible Touch were released past the vinyl-LP era, these tracks would have made it, but alas.

Thankfully, most of these have been released as parts of various collections and box sets. See below!

Archive Box Sets

There were two Archives box released in 1998 and 2000. The first one is, to me, the more interesting of the two. The first two discs are a complete live performance of The Lamb, with some overdubs from Gabriel and Hackett. I actually enjoy this more than the original studio album, but maybe that's just me.

Disc three has some spicy live material from the Selling England tour, and a couple of early B-sides. The fourth disc mostly old demos and alternate takes, and pretty much solely for fans who really want to delve into the band's formative years. The booklet has lots of sweet liner notes and old photos.

The second Archive set covers the Phil Collins-led years, and is loaded with B-sides, random live tracks, and, for some reason, 12-inch dance remixes. Notably absent is anything from the Ray Wilson band.

Late 2000s remastered Box Sets

Coinciding with the 2007 reunion tour, We Can't Dance producer Nick Davis undertook the task of remixing and remastering most of Genesis's back catalog. The result was a series of box sets covering three periods of studio albums (Trespass through Lamb, Trick through Abacab, and Genesis through Stations), a live box containing the officially released live albums plus the 1973 set from the Archives box set, and a box set of concert videos.

The remixes are overall quite good. The older material especially benefits from greater higher-end clarity, making Collins's drums sound really snappy. However, the mastering often suffers from overcompression due to the Loudness Wars, and it's occasionally distracting.

There's a ton of bonus material, including most of the non-album tracks and B-sides, and lots of extra live material. Notable exclusions are the Lamb live performance and fourth disc of very early stuff from Archive #1. The studio albums also have bonus DVDs with music videos, live clips, interviews, tour booklets, and other random fan goodies.

VI. Solo and other Side Projects

The primary members of Genesis have all had prolific careers outside of the main band, with varying degrees of commercial and/or artistic success. I'm not familiar with everything everyone has ever done (another huge task for someone other than me), but what I'll do my best to list some highlights.

Anthony Phillips

A founding member, and one of the key members of the original band, returned to music in the mid-70s with his own solo project, assisted by former bandmate and long-time friend Mike Rutherford. The Geese & the Ghost is pretty well regarded as an extension of the pastoral sound Phillips brought to the early band, though I haven't heard it personally. He's also produced quite a few more albums over the years and decades. Again, I'm not familiar with any of it, but I know he's got his fans.

Peter Gabriel

It took him a couple years after leaving Genesis, but once he found his musical legs, he came into his own as a solo artist. He developed his own brand of somewhat-twisted dark pop, but also incorporated a lot of world music influence. A lot of his material is ... well ... horny. But a lot of is very mature and socially aware. He also achieved massive international commercial success in the 80s, to the point where his single "Sledgehammer" knocked off "Invisible Touch" off the top of the US charts. He's also produced some movie sound tracks and had a lot of success as a touring musician.

Steve Hackett

My personal favorite of the ex-Genesis solo acts. His first record, Voyage of the Acolyte features Phil Collins and Mike Rutherford on several tracks, and thus sounds like it could have been a proper Genesis record. It's apparent, though, that a lot of his ideas were a bit .. weirder .. than the other guys. Freed from strong arm of, well, Tony Banks, he became extremely prolific as a solo artist, chasing all manner of musical horizons. In addition to the gentle acoustic stuff and soaring prog-rock, he also dabbled in poppier and more experimental stuff. Spectral Mornings (pictured above) is a personal favorite of mine.

In the 2000s, he became a de facto flag-bearer of prog-Genesis, with a series of Genesis Revisited tours and live albums. His live band reproduces a lot of Genesis material very meticulously, and with a lot of spirit. He remains very prolific as a recording musician, releasing albums of new material on a very regular basis. And personally, I think most of it is solid. He has evolved a kind of dreamy lush sound, a kinda more mature version of 70s Genesis. Recommended.

Phil Collins

Yeah, this guy. He broke out as a solo artist with "In the Air Tonight" in the early 80s, and achieved *HUGE* international stardom as a result of success as a solo musician and as Genesis's frontman. His solo albums in the 80s are pretty solid R&B-influenced pop affair, with regular delvings into darker territory not unlike the dark-pop of 80s Genesis a la "Mama" or "Tonight, Tonight, Tonight." Yeah, there's also syrupy ballads, but .. Yeah. If you like middle-of-the-road pop music with heart and groove, though, his 80s albums are all worth a listen.

He's also been very prolific as a guest musician and sideman, sometimes as a one-off guest drummer, sometimes as producer and collaborator, sometimes as a co-performer, sometimes as a full band member. Lots of prog-heads swear by his work with Brand X, though I remain woefully unfamiliar.

Mike Rutherford

I'm significantly less familiar with Rutherford's solo work. He released a couple of albums under his own name in the 70s/80s, to modest success. Apparently his album Smallcreep's Day is pretty well regarded among some Genesis fans, though I haven't heard it personally.

He achieved commercial success in the late 80s with Mike + the Mechanics, which became his main side project.

Tony Banks

I'm least of all familiar with Tony Bank's side projects, but I feel like I should change that. His first solo album, A Curious Feeling is supposedly more of the romantic pop-prog stuff Genesis was doing in the late 70s. He tried his hand at solo-pop-stuff in the late 80s as Phil Collins and Mike + the Mechanics were charting, but, though it was apparently critically decently well received, didn't quite bust the charts like "One More Night" or "All I Need Is a Miracle" did. Oh well.

More recently, he's tried his hand at composing proper classical music. I think he's done three albums in that vein. I have no idea if they're any good or not. But they keep coming out, so apparently at least somebody likes them?

Daryl Stuermer

My favorite underrated Genesis kinda-member. After cutting his teeth gigging around Milwaukee, WI (not far from where I was born and raised!), he was noticed by Zappa alum George Duke, who recommended him to fusion violinist Jean-Luc Ponty. From there his connections led him to Genesis's live guitarist/bassist position vacated by Steve Hackett. He was tagged by Phil Collins early in his solo career, and has been a regular live member of both bands since.

Stuermer has remained active as a live musician, living mostly in a melodic fusion, or "smooth jazz" style. He has a regular live band of highly skilled musicians, but the focus is on Stuermer's fluid, melodic lead playing. Some of it can sound kinda muzak-y, but I enjoy it.

He achieved some modest commercial success with an album of Genesis reinterpretations, Another Side of Genesis. Musically it continues in the muzak/smooth jazz vein, with Stuermer's guitar leads taking the place of Collins's vocals. I enjoy it, but I like smooth jazz, so... Yeah.

Fun side note: I was living in the Milwaukee area at the time, and "Follow You Follow Me" got a lot of airplay on the local smooth jazz station. When I went to see him live around the time the CD came out, the venue was packed with retirees, and I was easily the youngest person there.

VII. Conclusion

Holy knuckles I wrote a lot.

RIP Michael J.C. Murawski, 1975-2020

[content warning: mental health, depression, suicide, evangelicalism]

...

My friend Mike died in February of this year to suicide. He was a good friend of mine for a long time, since we were kids.

The Beginning

I remember this sweatshirt very clearly

My first memories of him were about fishing. Mike loved fish, and fishing. It was his hobby before I even knew what a hobby was. Along with another friend, Dean, we all bonded over Transformers and video games. Mike was weird, creative, and funny.

We would make up little games to keep ourselves amused and entertained. We would race Transformers down the shiny new metal slide on the school playground. When we realized we didn't really want to throw our cool toys down the slide all afternoon, we switched to the safety-padding woodchips. We'd each find a big one, and race them down the slide. He would take his favorite ones home and refine them for aerodynamics and whatnot .. sanding them down, painting them, naming them.

Many other boredom-fueled games came thereafter. We weren't content to just play basketball in study-hall physical free time .. we had to make up our own games. What if we played hockey with little rubber balls, but in the hallway outside the gym. What if we played dodgeball, but full-contact. What if we played hockeyball-golf outside? We had fun.

Mike took to BMX and skateboarding. I tried, but it didn't "take." I was still happy to tag along, watch my friends practice sweet tricks, and absorb the culture.

At some point I noticed Mike's home life was .. kind of uncomfortable at times. His dad seemed like kind of a grump, and I'd see them get into little quibbles, which would sometimes explode into bigger, disproportionate frustration. I found out later that he was an alcoholic, and abusive. Hell.

Teenage Years

no such thing as bad skating weather

In our teenage years, we were awkward non-socialites. Well, Mike at least gave it a try--went to school dances, asked girls out, did sports, etc. I mostly just played video games in my bedroom. But we still joked around a lot.

Mike had an amazing sense of humor. His brand of humor included a lot of absurdity, inside jokes, referential stuff, and cynicism. He was less a fan of "lowest common denominator" bodily function-type humor. I dunno why, he seemed to feel like that was ... immature? Beneath him? But not quite as harsh as that sounds. But he always had a way of making a comment that would cut right through the ridiculousness of things. His mantra for humor was "it doesn't have to make sense."

Mike's first concert

In high school, I discovered that I wanted to find some music to listen to that was different. I had grown up watching MTV in the 80s and into the 90s, but my soul hungered for something different. Mike brought some of skater culture into my musical life with lots of alternative rock. Especially Primus. They rocked, were funky, and weird.

Around the same time, we started making music together. It started out as a joke in a boring study hall period. Mike and our friend Chad were joking around, quoting the Doors movie that had just come out. "We'll make a band, call it Zero .. the album will be called Black & White." Except, what it if wasn't a joke? I had just started learning bass guitar for a jazz ensemble piece in my school orchestra, so they recruited me, along with a couple of other friends who could play some instruments.

The first few recordings we made were "viral" hits in our social circles (well, mostly theirs since I didn't really have a social circle). They included a song about a classmate who got busted for stealing lunch tickets, a heartfelt ode to Doritos, and a poorly executed parody of a Dead Milkmen song about Chad's "Bitchin Ford Ranger."

The other guys lost interest pretty quickly, but Mike and I had found a new creative outlet. Eventually, we brought other musically-minded friends into the fold and it became a real band a few years later. Zero turned into Sub-Zero, which turned into Circle-F Zero Jarts, which turned into Omega Supreme. The music we were getting into got heavier and angrier. It was ironic at first, but eventually death metal and hardcore became part of our musical vocabulary.

College and Beyond

Focus. show, 1994

Then it was time for college. We were in different cities, but we found ways to stay in touch. Snail mail, and the internet, which in 1993 was just beginning to enter into common public use. Mike had planned to pursue engineering, following his passion for tinkering and invention, but soon discovered that the math was a bit too much. He switched to technical writing as a way to exercise his creativity in technological settings.

We still spent lots of time together during breaks, holidays, and random weekend home visits. The band starting taking shape. Our friend Mark had joined us on guitar the year before, and while Mike and I were at university, Mark and his friends (who were still in high school) started their own band. We recruited Sam, that band's drummer, for our own band, and went from there.

I started noticing that I had emotional problems. I was depressed and had social anxiety. Any friends I had were because someone reached out to me and "adopted" me (introverts know this dynamic very well). I was also very ... well ... I was terrible with girls. I hated it and I hated myself. I attempted to open up about things, but no one was really able to help. I also got hooked on internet chat rooms and games (MUDs). I think Mike (and other friends) knew it was .. problematic? But I felt mostly on my own.

We had discovered the local punk rock/hardcore/indie scene, and dove into the whole thing. We loved the Straight Edge concept. Middle fingers to substance abuse and drinking culture and all that. We also became more socially aware -- of issues like sexism, racism, homophobia. I think I was more interested in those things than Mike, but most of us moved politically left regardless. We incorporated punk/emo/hardcore styles into our musical vernacular.

At some point, too, we discovered anime (it was just starting to become a thing in America). In addition to record stores, we started making anime shops part of our regular weekend rounds. I enjoyed it, but it didn't quite "click" with me like it did Mike. 

The band, then called Focus. (with a period--it's very important), was moving along. We had done some real actual recording of some songs, played a few shows, and had a small presence in the proverbial scene. But the four of us felt pulled in different music directions. We had some blowups, and Sam astutely pointed out that it felt like breaking up with your girlfriend.

We were all still friends, though. Still went to shows and hung out and kept in touch. We all had musical projects, sometimes with each other, sometimes with new folks. We all supported each other.

By that time, I had found a girlfriend (or, she found me, really), and I was spending a lot of time with her. I noticed that sometimes when it was just Mike and I in a car on our way to or from a show, he'd be very quiet. Distant. Kind of uncomfortable, but ... whatever. Just put on some music and drive.

But of course still joked a lot. There was plenty of absurdity to be found (and mocked) in our college and social lives. Inside jokes and references continued to pile up. By the time we graduated, though, we weren't quite as close. He found work in the Chicago area, and ended up spending his whole 20-year-plus career at that company.

Mike sang for a few other Chicago-area bands

We did stay in touch though. We still loved music and sharing cynical thoughts about everything. Now we were mocking corporate culture and the suburbs. Mike had bought himself a guitar, a drum machine, a four-track tape recorder, and started writing more of his own music. I helped him out with bass and other occasional instruments. We tried to follow the "Zero" model and recruit other like-minded musicians, but nothing ever took hold. But we still made recorded plenty of songs as VOTAR (a reference to The Idiot Box, an Alex Winter-led comedy sketch show we loved in high school), and that name followed us off and on for the rest of Mike's time on earth.

It was becoming clear that Mike wasn't a very happy person. A lot of his cynical humor seemed to be coming from a place that was actually pretty angry and dark. The same was true of his musical tastes. While I was getting more into prog-rock, Mike was getting into heavier stuff--doom metal, black metal, noise.

He still loved anime, though. Especially the stuff that was ... I dunno how you put it. "Girly?" Like, not for girls, but with cute female protagonists or cute female love interests. Ah! My Goddess was his favorite series for quite a while. K-On! was one of his favorites later on. I think he liked the cute anime girl aesthetic, both because it was cute, and because ... well, Mike had romantic longings too. (Sadly, the kind of "waifu" thing Mike liked would eventually be co-opted by alt-right jerks, which I'm sure annoyed him to no end.)

Pokemon was something where Mike's interests and mine intersected. He loved the cartoon, and I liked the game. We were exchanging emails weekly, if not daily, and I noticed he was punctuating a lot of them with "Pika!" and "-kachuuuu." So I watched a couple episodes of the cartoon, and I was hooked. We both loved the cute critters that did cute friendly battle against each other. At one point, I tried to learn the theme song for VOTAR to cover, but that effort didn't get very far.

So Mike had this trichotomy going on. Angry music, cute anime, and isolation. I and our friends were meeting girlfriends and future wives, but Mike remained unlucky.

I started realizing though, Mike's cynicism was taking over his outlook. Everything was flawed. We'd go see a show, and he'd be annoyed at the popular guys being scenesters. He'd talk about how he was interested in a woman, until he found out some minor thing that would be a deal-breaker. He hated his job, hated Chicago, but couldn't find anything better anywhere else.

Some of the frustrations he'd share, though, seemed like typical corporate-world nonsense to me. Co-workers being inconsiderate, engineers being space-cases, managers being clueless, etc. Things that would be minor annoyances to most of us were psychological torture to Mike.

Personal Aside and Upheaval

At the turn of the 21st Century, I was going through some personal upheaval. I was spending more time with a newer bandmate, John, and a some of his aggressive personality was rubbing off on me. I started snapping at Mike more over email. I remember clearly, writing to him one Friday, when he was waffling about joining us for a weekend get-together at Dean's house in Iowa, "quit being a ____, come to Iowa and play video games." Mike's graciously deadpan response was, "Gosh, well now that you put it that way, no."

That's a dynamic where, knowing Mike, I get, but I have a hard time putting into words. But I'll try.

So, back to skater culture. In the 80s and into the 90s, in our small-town Wisconsin hometown (and I'm guessing elsewhere, too), there was a rift between skaters and metalheads, and lots of mutual disdain between the two. The skaters had a reputation for being obnoxious punks, and the metalheads had a reputation for being burnout losers. Certain aspects of their culture became a proxy for this conflict -- drinking, smoking, cruising up and down Main Street, macho attitudes, etc.

And I think that's the key -- the macho "f- you" attitude, which was very different from the punk "f- society" attitude. It's the difference between "let's fight" and "let's burn down society." And in the world of punk and hardcore, the macho attitude was something Mike especially hated, and I can see why: Punk was supposed to be counter-culture, more "woke" (before that became a thing), and yet there were the same social dynamics -- people being alpha males who just wanna act tough and pick up chicks.

But, that phase of my life didn't last. Not giving a f--- and being a red-blooded male didn't really suit me all that well. Mike confronted me over email about my rudeness toward him, and I apologized. we kept in touch.

Then, more personal upheaval. John and I tried to make the Band work, but it failed pretty unremarkably. We had moved to upstate New York, and after a year of very little activity, John was moving with his new girlfriend, and I was moving to California to pursue a change of scenery and a woman-friend.

The few years that followed were some of the most consequential of my entire life. Briefly, my woman-friend and I got married, and we terrible for each other. We had major conflicts between each other, and I had major internal conflicts as a result. Over the course of a year or so, it all grew to be too much, and I tried to kill myself.

I ended up scrambling for a solution, and ended up in therapy, on medication, and eventually, deep into an evangelical Christian lifestyle. I made a big show of my "redemption story" during my journey through therapy and recovery, and I ended up trying to evangelize to Mike. He (wisely) ignored my spiritual-preachiness, but we confided some things in each other, and I understood more about his inner struggles.

As it turned out, Jesus-worship wasn't the cure for me, and my marriage ended in separation, and then divorce just a few years later. In the meantime, I was .. a different person. Evangelicalism does that to a person. It lures you in and whisks you into a different reality. "Holy" literally means "separate," and they take it seriously. I stayed in touch with my back-home friends, but barely.

Back to the Midwest

new ride

I ended up moving back to Wisconsin and rebuilding my life, but it got harder to stay in touch with Mike. We visited each other regularly, and kept up on social media, but regular emails and other base-touching faded away.

Sadly, Facebook was really the last venue where we were in regular touch. Mike's posts tended to be pretty unflinching, and increasingly dark. He still listened to a lot of heavy, dark music, and added horror movies to his repertoire. Of course, just consuming "dark" media doesn't necessarily mean one is a "dark" person, but in Mike's case it was as much a reflection of his inner world as much it was an escape or release. He continued to balance this with the optimistic escapism of upbeat anime fandom.

Emblematic of his inner conflict: the success of Babymetal. When they first came out, it was basically tailor-made for Mike's tastes. Heavy music with "idol" J-Pop frontwomen. But then they got mainstream-popular and landed a slot opening for Lady Gaga. (In general, anime started becoming a cultural touchstone of "gamergaters" and the alt-right. I'm not positive what Mike's thoughts or feelings were on that, but I can't imagine they were positive.)

At one point, Mike did find a girlfriend. He seemed happy about it, until suddenly he broke it off. I don't know what happened or why. As far as I know, he never had any success dating after that. It bothered him, and he felt like if only he could be happy if he had romance in his life.

The End

Mike and Abby

From what I can tell, the beginning of the end was when his father passed away, around 2016. It seemed to hit him really hard, and I don't think he ever recovered from that grief. His Facebook posts became consistently dark. There was lots of self-hatred, pleas for the hurting to stop. Donald Trump's election shook a lot of us, and Mike was no exception. For his psychological well-being, though, it was just another log on the fire. The human race was tragically and fatally clueless, and doom was imminent. Of course, this included himself. Especially himself.

Another log on the fire: his relationship with his sister. She had problems of her own, and family get-togethers were difficult, and often contentious. I don't want to get into specifics here, out of respect for the family. Suffice to say, it was another source of frustration for Mike, to put it mildly.

A year or two later, Mike reached out to some of his closest friends, myself included, about some specific personal struggles. We all voiced our support and well wishes. His Facebook posts alluded to some of these struggles, and it seemed like he was doing better. Not great, but better.

That didn't seem to last, though. The last couple years were a whirlwind. There were frequent, increasingly desperate Facebook posts. It was really hard to watch, and I didn't know what to do. It was especially frustrating, because I've been there. I know the pain of self-hatred, of being stuck in negative patterns, of having childhood stuff to work through.

At one point, I believe in 2019, Mike went on short-term disability leave from work. He started some kind of treatment program, or programs. Sometimes (again, based on his Facebook posts), it seemed like some things showed promise. But as anyone who's been through any kind of recovery knows, it's often one step forward, two steps back.

A few things seemed to keep him going: his friends, anime, music, horror movies, and his cat. He had tried adopting a cat a few years prior, but that cat wasn't a good fit. Abby was much better. She had special dietary needs, but Mike seemed happy to provide for her.

One other thing that continued: St. Anna's runs. Dean would host semi-regular trips to a supper club in St. Anna, a village in the middle of nowhere in eastern Wisconsin. Friendly staff, old fashioneds, relish trays, and huge cuts of meat. Great for guys-nights-out kinda things. Mike always seemed to be in a decent mood when he joined us for those. We would also have semi-regular weekend get-togethers. Video games, junk food, movies, etc.

One time, though, Mike declined an invitation to St. Anna's, so it was just Dean and I. We talked about Mike, and his state of being. We knew that he was hurting, that he was in a very dark place. I remember telling Dean, "If he had a gun, he'd be dead." That's when I found out, from Dean, that Mike's dad had been abusive. Dean figured it should have been something like a relief when he passed, but from what I've read, sometimes the opposite can happen--the passing of an abuser can re-open old wounds. I don't know; I never asked Mike about it.

Soon after, in February of 2020, I got a Facebook message from Mike's mother. It was over, Mike had passed on. I relayed the message to our mutual friends and acquaintances. We were shocked and saddened. But I wasn't surprised at all. I confirmed later that it was suicide.

The funeral was bittersweet. I got to catch up with friends that I hadn't seen in a while, and I got to reconnect with Mike's mother and sister. A group of us made a memorial St. Anna's run.

In the following months, I helped Mike's mother sort through some of Mike's stuff, like technological and musical stuff. I "inherited" a bunch of it, and I plan to make use of it (and/or sell it off and donate the proceeds to charity). I'm Facebook friends with both his mother and his sister, and some of Mike's other friends that I hadn't met, but knew through his Facebook rantings. It feels like a way of maintaining a bond with him.

Thoughts of Jack's

I try not to let myself fall into the "I shoulda done something" trap, but it still feels awful that I had a sense of inevitability about Mike's suicide. I could have given him a phone call, fired off a text or a DM or an email. Would it have helped? Well, it certainly wouldn't have hurt.

I think my biggest worry is, did Mike at least understand that people actually cared about him? Like a lot of suicidal people, he was convinced that he was a terrible person, that the world would be better off without him, etc. He knew he had friends, though. Did he get that his friends actually cared about him? I think so? I hope so? Honestly, though, I don't know fore sure, and that bothers me. Maybe that's just playing into the "I shoulda done something" dynamic. I don't know.

I was talking with my sister (who also knew Mike, and was Facebook friends with him) about the whole thing. We agree that what Mike needed was a long leave of absence from work, and long-term, intensive therapy and psychiatric treatment. He had a lifetime's worth of baggage to sort through, and I understand how difficult it is to do so while being productive at a challenging job in an often unpleasant work environment.

Soapbox

Mike's reaction to the 2016 US election (and many of ours too, of course)

Getting a little more abstractly political, this is a failure of multiple American systems: capitalism and healthcare. Capitalism doesn't care if Mike lives or dies. His employer will just hire someone new. Our healthcare system doesn't care about Mike unless he can pay. And he can't pay if he doesn't have a job. But he can't do his job if he can't function, and he can't function if he doesn't get the care he needs.

It's a terrible cycle. In another system, maybe he could just take some disability leave, maybe he could get financial assistance from public safety net programs, maybe he could get the care he needed via public health services, and maybe he could come through it all a better person for it.

I don't know. I do know that I lost my friend. A lot of my personality is informed by the time I spent with Mike. My absurdist and sarcastic sense of humor, my taste in music, my creative drives, my cynicism toward mainstream society, my appreciation for anime and Japanese culture. A lot of who I am is because of him. I miss him terribly.

I Hope This Blogpost Finds You Well

 Hi everybody.

I haven't updated this in a long heckin time. I dunno if I'll keep this up, but might as well give it a shot.

I have a big Thing that I need to talk about, and it's the passing of Mike, my friend of many decades. 

I have Thoughts about things political and social and whatnot.

But mostly I want to reestablish this as a vehicle to talk about Mike's passing.