Wednesday, June 10, 2009

RIP: My Marriage (2003-2009)

It's official ... My marriage with Zahra is ending in divorce. We've been separated since December of 2007, and I've known with increasing certainty since about a year ago that it was probably going to end, but it's confirmed.

The 10-second version of "why" is that we are absolutely wrong for each other. She and I are broken in deep-rooted ways which directly conflict with each other. It would be like if she were allergic to peanuts and my daily diet consisted of peanut butter. Neither thing is terrible by itself (though unfortunate), but together, it's a disaster waiting to happen.

We spent the last 5 years trying to repair what was never really working in the first place. We exhausted all of our resources ... money, time, energy, emotion, spiritual. We got help from anyone and everyone who would take the time to listen to our story. But in the end, the only way to heal a broken leg is to stop trying to run on it.

We loved each other very deeply and sincerely, and honestly only wanted the best for each other. We hurt each other (a lot), but not maliciously. We took "till death do us part" very seriously, going to any lengths to find recovery.

I believed (and still do) that our problems aren't (and would never be) impossible to overcome. I believe pretty strongly that almost anything can be overcome. But I've learned a hard lesson in all of this: What's the cost? I use the analogy of relocating to Alaska on foot. Is it possible? Of course. Pace yourself, be patient, and dress warm. But is it worth it? Alaska is a wonderful place. Majestic scenic beauty, lots of history, lots of nature .. A very mystical place. But it's also cold, harsh, and lonely. And the hike is extremely difficult and grueling. One slip in the Canadian Rockies could cost everything. Better to learn how to survive in Wisconsin.

So now I get to deal with the emotional rollercoaster ride. And this time I'm not getting off right away ... I gotta face my fears and regrets and deal with them. And figure out how to live without peanut butter outside of Alaska. Any advice would be welcome.

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