[Some background ... Magic: The Gathering is a collectible trading card game, based on players being sorcerers and duking it out with magical spells & creatures. It's very geeky. I used to play it some 12-15 years ago when it first came out, but not much since. I've become interested in it again recently, and I thought I'd check it out.]
Just got back from Friday Night Magic at a local gaming store store. Wow. What a whirlwind of a psychological assault on my fragile psyche! I was very anxious, and I pretty much turtled up and tried to "take it all in."
Socially, the event was pretty much dominated by a group of about 6-8 high schoolers who all knew each other, and seemed to know the game quite well. Lots of sarcasm and profanity. There were a couple of other "professional" types kinda like me (I think), and a couple-three other random nerds. But the teenagers dominated.
The format of the event was a "Booster Draft." Each person gets three Magic "Booster Packs" (a pack of 15 random cards), and everyone takes turns "drafting" cards from each pack. Then you flesh out your deck, and play a few matches (best 2 out of 3 games). I did my best, but I think I did something fundamentally wrong (or probably several things) in putting my deck together. I got my butt kicked every game. Like, not even close. I think if you totaled all of the damage I did in all 4 games I played, I wouldn't be surprised if it wouldn't have added up to win a single game. Also, every card played, I had to do a verbal "pause" while I read the card to see what it did.
I've confirmed that I am socially and emotionally retarded. People make me very uncomfortable, and I turn that into judgment against them. Probably an attempt to make myself feel better about myself, to make myself feel less like a complete [swear word] freak.
I've known for a while that I really respond when people are nice to me, but I'm realizing just how desperate I am for someone to be nice to me. The highlight of the night for me was not playing the game, not meeting people, not even being around people, but it was one guy who introduced himself to me and shook my hand. And I feel like that is completely pathetic.
I wonder if I'll ever get better. If I'll ever be able to live a life that isn't unstable and miserable. If I'll ever have success with anything. I hate myself.
A Rush lyric comes to mind ... "Any escape might help to smooth the unattractive truth, but the suburbs have no charms to soothe the restless dreams of youth."