Thursday, July 9, 2009

In My Own Head

So in my recovery I'm discovering something ... It's not good for me to remain "in my own head." I tend to think myself into the dumps. Woe is me. I'm messed up. Things will never get better. But if I "get out of myself," do something social, work on something productive, etc., I feel much better. I don't feel despondent, the despair lifts, etc.

What I don't like about this is how it sets me up to see my own head as my enemy. That is, my thoughts, feelings, opinions, predictions, analysis, etc. The stuff that I've always prided myself on. But now .. It's evil. I can't "go there." My head is a bad place to dwell.

What am I supposed to then? Not use my brain? Rely on other people and activities to keep me from imploding? I spent about 5 years of my life fighting against my own thoughts, and it was exhausting! Constantly monitoring my own thoughts, blocking anything that resembled sinful thinking, brain dumping daily to the scrutiny of others. I've vowed never to do that again! I'm sick of fighting against myself. My brain is not bad. Messed up, sure. But not inherently evil.

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